Confessions of a Former BCBA & PDA Parent

When someone's off-the-cuff remark unexpectedly becomes the last sentence in a chapter of your life.

For me, it happened in the winter of 2024.

Sitting in an ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) workshop at a behavior analysis conference.

Attending as a former BCBA turned PDA parent advocate.

The presenter, while disseminating information, casually stated:

"And let's face it, nobody wants to go to school."

Cue the obligatory laughter.

The slight head nods.

The collective agreement.

A few simple words.

Said in jest.

Said with certainty.

Without question.

Echoed by an audience that shared the same sentiment.

And let's face it.

Nobody wants to go to school.

And it was just this moment of recognizing that the presenter.

Most likely everyone in this room.

Everyone in this building.

The powers that be that put on this conference.

The systems that fund "gold standard" therapies.

Still considered it a matter of a person not wanting to go to an aversive place.

Rather than a person who can't go to an aversive place.

School.

That's when I put down my arm.

Which had been raised quite frequently throughout the workshop until that point.

Because I knew.

There was simply no room in this large room.

For the notion—or even the possibility—of:

CAN'T not WON'T

Because let's face it.

Making room for even the possibility of CAN'T not WON'T changes everything.

Not only does it require immense cognitive flexibility.

It changes everything.

It changes how we understand support.

It changes how we understand development.

It changes how we understand behavior.

It changes how we understand suffering.

It changes how we understand responsibility.

It changes how we understand humanity.

For behavior folks, I often think of it as a reverse cost-benefit analysis.

Actually acknowledging the neurobiological implications for neurodivergent people with extremely sensitive neuroception would be so wildly misaligned with many of our current educational and therapeutic systems that there is very little incentive to make room for it.

I'm not saying follow the money.

But...

It's kind of obvious, right?

And to be honest.

Outside of institutions and funding structures.

It genuinely takes a lot to hold two truths.

To assimilate CAN'T not WON'T.

To live in duality.

To allow paradigm shifts to keep unfolding.

It takes a high tolerance for discomfort.

It takes energy as your way of thinking unravels and rewires.

It calls into question E V E R Y T H I N G.

It challenges most things.

It is burdensome at times.

Heavy.

Painfully unsettling.

It leaves you no choice but to reconsider what you thought to be true.

To unlearn.

To relearn.

To sit in uncertainty.

To stop trying to fix.

To stop trying to change.

To stop trying to improve.

And simply make ROOM.

But although it takes much.

It also gives much.

It gives us the ability to hold multiple truths.

It gives us reason to pause.

To reflect.

To respond rather than react.

It gives freedom from shame.

Freedom from martyrdom.

Freedom from needing to control outcomes.

It gives us the ability to see beyond an achievement-based society.

It gives us the ability to practice:

Compassion for Capacity.

It gives us the ability to let go.

And make ROOM.

All this to say.

Thanks to an off-the-cuff remark.

This path up the hill is now fully paved.

If you'd like to join me here.

Even if only for a short visit.

There is lots of ROOM.